Azog’s Codpiece, and Other RAndom Musings on BOFA

Needless to say… SPOILERS BELOW!

bofa poster

My personal favorite among the many promotional posters for The Hobbit: The Battle of Five Armies

I don’t know that this is going to be so much a review, as some random thoughts on The Hobbit: The Battle of Five Armies. I’ve seen it three times, loved it even more each subsequent time, and am planning to see it at least once more in theatres. The first time, I saw it with Hubby in the 3D IMAX format (we both fully enjoyed this final installment, for those of you wondering what the Hubby’s verdict was!) and other times, I saw it by myself in a regular theatre. Although I had some minor quibbles, for the most part, it really satisfied me. I do occasionally see movies that I love more than once in the theatre, but before I developed this PreoccupationWithArmitage, I’ve limited all of my Middle Earth movies to viewing once, and always on opening weekend, in theatres, then waiting for extended versions before viewing again. So… in no particular order, here are some of my thoughts:

First, the creatures in this movie were fantastic. From the dragon down to the rabbits, the creature designs and animations were pretty freaking cool. Some of the stand-outs for me:


The Beast descends on Lake-Town.

Smaug strafing Lake-Town– I have never seen a depiction of a dragon attack that was done more beautifully and believeably. The creature design on Smaug was always fantastic- it seriously irritates and bothers me when I see a dragon concept that does not provide believable musculature and wing structure to sustain flight. This is an issue for the Hubby, as well. I’m happy to report that for the serious anatomical analysts in my household, not only did Smaug have credible anatomical features, but the animation- the undulations of flight, the wind shearing, just the quality of motion- were once again, phenomenal. I particularly loved the creature’s death throws, and the fall.


I love bunnies.

Rhosgobel Rabbits– The quality of the creatures, down to the little details- for instance, when the harness-racing rabbits came to a stop, I loved how they immediately started grooming, rolling in the grass, and doing other rabbity- behaviours.


Thranduil’s Elk- what a rack! That creature just defined nobility, and was almost as aloof and elegant as his rider.


Can’t. Look. Away.

Azog- was it just me, or did Azog almost look handsome in this movie? I mean, as orcs go… Lol. Before these movies I wouldn’t have thought a dwarf could be handsome, but how wrong was that? OK, so Azog isn’t exactly sex on a stick, but I found him rather aesthetically pleasing for an orc… he did have a certain symmetry to his features, as well as a rather better complexion than the average orc, making him handsome in the way that a really brawny pit bull is handsome. And wowzers- did anyone else find themselves sort of weirdly appreciating his codpiece? approving of his new duds? That armor he sported for the Big Battle was a step up from the tattered rags he always wore in the earlier movies.


That bad-awful orc killed Kili! Unforgivable. I wonder what Bolg’s mother looked like?

Bolg- Azog’s spawn has always been one of my favorite creature designs out of all of the Middle Earth films. Love the metal riveted in his skull, and the jagged metal protruding all over his torso, like an amalgamation of armor and flesh. It’s just a sick design! (Side note: my all time favorite creature design and portrayal is Sméagol-Gollum, though!)


Then, there were the characters. A few stood out above the rest:


Filthy, horrid man! But he kept me snickering from start to finish.

Alfrid- seriously, what a piece of toad slime he was! I’m not familiar with the actor, Ryan Gage, but what an absolutely magnetic performance. Some combination of worm-like posture, crazy eyes and that wide, mobile, rotting mouth just made me shudder with loathing. Bravo! He also delivered wonderful comic relief, when so much of the movie was disturbing, and sad. This butt-ugly character trying to avoid battle by passing for a woman in that ridiculous mob-cap, and stuffing coins into his big bosom? Loved it.


He sort of stole my heart. The cold bastard.

Thranduil- Before now, Thranduil as a character was portrayed well, but not a stand-out for me. However, in BOFA, maybe his badass elk just impressed me and made me take notice, but damn! Lee Pace delivered. Thranduil was the ultimate embodiment of cold elven elegance in all his silver and white hauteur. I really need my own cape, or even a robe would do, if it was made out of that beautiful silvery stuff. And my, but didn’t he look hot, when he smiled at Dain’s challenge on the brink of battle? (Speaking for a moment of Dain- loved that make-up design, with the boar fangs in the beard… another one PJ’s team knocked right out of the park- fabulous antithesis to Thranduil in every way!!) But back to Thranduil. He kicked some serious ass in battle, and was superb in the pre-battle scenes, as well. I loved his cool dismissal of Gandalf’s warnings, and the wry humor when he blandly asked Bard if he would really try to reason with a dwarf. I don’t know how it happened, but I fell a bit in love with Thranduil in this final film.


I can’t imagine anyone else more suited to the role of Bilbo Baggins.

Bilbo- Martin Freeman actually gives Richard Armitage a run for his money with the ability to communicate with his eyes. I think the chemistry between Thorin and Bilbo was always right on the money, and I just loved the acorn scene. Martin is also a master at subtle facial comedy. One of my favorite moments, and another moment of humor for me, was the scene with Gandalf (Ian McKellan, who also excels at subtle comedy) where Bilbo and Gandalf are sitting together after the battle, and Gandalf is tamping, tamping, tamping away on his pipe, really disrupting Bilbo’s morose moment! The best scene, though, was Thorin’s death scene. Bilbo’s despair, and every word and moan that he uttered, were so touching that I tear up even thinking about it. Watching Thorin die would be horribly hard no matter the circumstances, but the interaction between the two actors, feeding off the emotions of the other, was both the pinnacle of the film, and the lowest point for me.


Black leather, ladies. Black leather.

Thorin- of course, there was Thorin. I think he deserves his own section, because I have to agree with others who have declared that this truly was Thorin’s movie, and Richard’s triumph. His portrayal of the Dragon Sickness eerily echoed The Ring sickness, and watching those transitions, those glimpses of warmth, honor and sanity transforming into what can only be described as madness, were riveting. So, more on Thorin later.


A few things I didn’t care for:


I did like seeing how Sauron was reduced to a Ball of Burning Eye.

The Gandalf-Galadriel-Elrond-Sarumon-Wraiths-Sauron scene. I could have done without it. Then again, if Peter Jackson’s Middle Earth movies stand the test of time, and I predict they will- future generations, my children included, will likely watch in order, starting with The Hobbit and ending with LOTR, so the inclusion of these background scenes, which have been present throughout TH trilogy, are understandable from that perspective.


Kili hands his rune stone to Tauriel.

I also could have done without the entire Tauriel/Kili love affair. I didn’t hate it, but I didn’t love it, or think it added any substance to the trilogy. This is not to say that I didn’t like Tauriel- I did like her, and found her both aesthetically pleasing to look at, and quietly compelling as a character. I found the death scene with Kili moving, despite myself, and her exchange with Thranduil at the end was also to my liking.


Shame on the costume design team. So many other wins, but this one was a big FAIL.

There were a few things that didn’t make sense to me, but hopefully at least some of them will be explained and improved upon in the director’s cut. Where did Thorin’s company come by those battle mountain goats? What happened to Thorin’s battle armor? I mean, if he stripped down on the lake of gold, why weren’t we treated to that no doubt amazing sight? But why would he, if he’d just resolved to join the battle? And for heaven’s sake, of all the helmets on the dwarves, why did Thorin have to have the truly butt-ugly one??? That’s quite an accomplishment, to make that chiseled and handsome face look round and almost pig-like. (Was that intentional? Because he was acting like a creep, hogging all the gold?) Thankfully, Thorin threw that stupid thing off before he emerged in all his gorgeous, albeit armor-less, glory, ready to lead the dwarves One Last Time.


I had myself convinced this screencap from one of the trailers was a burial chamber. I was expecting a send-off for the Heirs of Durin.

Finally, and this is my biggest complaint with the film… why didn’t we get to see some kind of a funeral, or wake, in honor of Thorin Oakenshield? With the film only 2hr 35 min, when I was really expecting and anticipating closer to 3 hours, WTH were they thinking to have cut such an important and potentially amazing scene? I will say this- if it’s not in the extended edition, I will be floored.





The Great Battle Charge.

Many have said that the Battle scene was too long. I didn’t find it so, and was riveted throughout. Again, every creature, from the boar that Dain was riding, to the bats bred for war, to the goliath ugly giant troll-things, were fantastic to watch. I particularly loved some of the moments of comedy in the battle, such as when one of those enormous goblin things charged the wall and knocked himself unconscious, and when Alfrid tossed the sword like a hot potato to Bard’s son. I also loved the choreography of the battle scenes. The elves leaping over the dwarves’ shield wall to meet the orc’s charge was pretty spectacular. Thorin’s charge from inside of the mountain out onto the battle field was a truly majestic, cinematic moment. And Thorin’s battle with Azog. Just, WOW.


The artwork during the final credits was simply stunning.

And that brings me back to Thorin Oakenshield. What can I even say? It was a phenomenal performance. I’d like to think that, had I not seen North and South last April, and developed my thorough PreoccupationWithArmitage through that route, I would have come away from BOFA with the same driving fascination on the strength his performance of Thorin in this film. (I’m so thankful it didn’t happen that way, or I would have missed The Crucible, and would have yet to have made so many new connections and friendships that have so enriched my life these past months!)


That moment. When Fili is slain, and Thorin makes a sound of despair. It’s moments like these that make me want to watch the film again and again.

I absolutely adored the voice of Richard Armitage as Thorin. It was deliciously low and raspy. The way he said “Gold”- spoken like a breathless lover… the transformation of his voice to that Smaug-like quality, hoarse with Dragon Sickness and twisted, obsessive passion… the softness in his voice, when he had moments of lucidity with Bilbo… and how his voice broke, when he was speaking with Dwalin. Even the agonized sounds he made when he watched Fili executed, and when Azog delivered the mortal wound- I could rhapsodize on for hours on the voice alone.


Graham McTavish as Dwalin. I should have mentioned him above, because he did stand out for me in this movie. He broke my heart.

And that countenance. In a cast of exceptional actors, Thorin wasn’t the only one whose facial expressions spoke volumes, but I was nonetheless captivated. I know now that Armitage excels at emoting with not only his face, but every part of his body- I’ve seen it live, and I’ve seen it in film after film. It still wowed me. I absolutely adored that transformation of Thorin’s face during the acorn scene… when he first sees the acorn, his eyes almost well up, and he stares at Bilbo with a sense of wonder. We see “Our-Thorin”… that kindness, that warmth, that glimpse of sanity returned… only to have that beautiful face transform and the mask of Sick-Thorin drop over his features when the arrival of the Lake-Town survivors is announced. Another magnificent facial transformation: Thorin’s face when he realizes that Bilbo stole the Arkenstone. Disbelief, pain flickering, tears welling again, then insane fury. The Dwalin-Thorin scene, when Dwalin (performed flawlessly by Graham McTavish) tries to tell him, “You are lesser now than you have ever been”… they were both amazing in that scene. Dwalin’s sorrow and despair, Thorin’s wild swings from incapacitating fragility to lashing out in madness. But perhaps the masterclass of facial acting was in the scene all by himself, on the lake of gold. With no other actors to feed off of, this was Richard Armitage in Thorin’s head, wrestling demons, beautiful, lost and alone.


Thorin walks out from the Lake of Gold, having conquered his madness.

The Noble Thorin… Walking backlit out of the gold cavern- so hot and incredibly majestic, the warrior finally returns. I had chills, and tears in my eyes, when he asked if they will follow him, one last time. The fight with Azog on ice and rocks- I don’t know about you, but I have never seen Thorin look so hot. (Can’t go wrong with RA in black leather!) Richard displayed a stunning athleticism in the fight sequence… arching, ducking, swaying for balance- so limber. Rolling around, up/down, balancing, slipping as the ice bobbed around.


Is this not hotness, personified? I could stare at this image for hours.

They totally used that hair to good effect– when Thorin’s hair would flip up over his head and to the side, it reminded me of Hawkeye in Last of the Mohicans. But back to the battle scene with Azog… I absolutely loved that priceless face (perhaps the only moment of humor delivered on Thorin’s part) when Thorin tossed the huge block of rock on the chain to Azog, then nimbly skipped back. How I wish it had ended there!



It’s about to happen. He intentionally lets it happen. You can see it in his eyes.

But, no. Damn it, Thorin! How could you be so damnably mesmerized as to let that monster floating underfoot fool you!? The first time I watched it, I just about shouted “Watch Out!” (Thankfully, it only happened in my horrified head.) I did appreciate the battle’s conclusion, in a love-hate sort of way, when Thorin willingly sacrificed his life to defeat his mortal enemy- you can see the decision happen on his face, and it was fitting.


The final moments. The finest moments.

And finally, the Death Scene. Thorin’s final scene. As I said, it was the best scene, and the worst. The tears were streaming down my face. The Hubby squeezed my hand. I usually think of cinematography as it relates to the scenery and the geographical features of the setting, but here, there was also amazing cinematography in this very personal, up-close footage. Every time the camera angle was low, and showed the profile of the fallen king, it almost made me gasp. At the beauty of this man. I mean dwarf. Tears.


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Wow- so that was a lot longer than I intended. I guess it’s a testament to how much I really did appreciate the movie. Richard should have had an Academy Award Nomination for this film. And then he should have won it.







Saturday Seems a Long Way Off…

Date night this weekend with Hubby… the final Hobbit installment at the I-MAX on Saturday evening! I’m usually content to see a major release like a Middle Earth film on opening weekend, rather than opening night. But this time is a little different. I’m PreoccupiedWithArmitage this time around. If it had been up to me, I’d have been at the very first screening available… for Richard’s sake. However, Hubby made that gesture of buying the tickets to cheer me up when I was at the hospital with our young love, and we want to see it together, and the shows that would work with my work schedule are sold out at this point, even if I did want to catch it earlier and spoil the Hubby gesture. So… I’ll just have to wait on pins and needles, continue to avoid spoilers and reviews, and get to the theatre in time to get a great position in the queue on Saturday.

Hubby said last night that they did it all backward… should have made the 3 Hobbit films first, then they could have probably stretched The LOTR series into 6, maybe 9 films. We’ve been married almost 13 years- our anniversary is next week. I remember we saw The Fellowship of the Ring on opening night, just days before our wedding… our treat to ourselves to celebrate my getting through finals and to provide a much-needed break from the hectic last-minute wedding preparations. We were young, and very much in love, and we were such dweebs… I’d ordered us some handmade hobbit cloaks, and we wore them to the theatre with pride! In subsequent years, the cloaks were packed away and forgotten, but they’re still there, in the cloak… er, coat closet. Much time has passed… I’m a small business owner and he’s the Professor and Director of Engineering in his department. We almost always see my clients and/or his students when we go to the movies on a big opening weekend.

Wonder what they’d make of us in those two cloaks if we brought them out… One Last Time?

Richard Armitage Distraction Muted, But Devastating


Richard Armitage selfie, December 1 2014. From @RCArmitage on Twitter.

That new selfie! I will say that although it doesn’t have the same sizzling effect on me as the selfie he tweeted from the set of Sleepwalker, I really love this image. It’s the warmth and kindness in his eyes. The laugh lines. The dimple. He looks more loveable than smokin’ hot, but maybe I needed that from him yesterday.

I can’t say that I didn’t follow events from yesterday at all, but I do find it odd that I followed the premiere of Into the Storm so much more closely than the World Premiere of The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies. I have a ton of catching up to do. Like Servetus, I think I will hold off on reading Hobbity reviews prior to my date night with Hubby.

While I eagerly read reviews prior to The Crucible, and would do so again in the event that RA stars in another play, I did feel that the reviews of ITS informed my preconceptions of the movie, which hampered my enjoyment slightly. However, as far as Hobbity interviews and press junkets from the premiere… I have hardly watched any of it. My experience from yesterday was almost entirely comprised of checking out Richard’s outfit (Nice!) and looking at a few pictures on Twitter.

Why was I so apathetic? I still feel an abiding love for Richard Armitage. That’s definite. I still adore his work, his kind, humble, generous attitude, his handsome face, his backside. (Guylty, thank you for this image. You deserve a special award of some kind from the fandom. LOL) Anyway, I’ve always been a fan of Middle Earth, long before RA was even on my radar. So you’d think I’d have been all over the coverage of the World Premiere. But I wasn’t.

Maybe it’s just that life is always incredibly busy for me during the weeks following Thanksgiving. I have Christmas shopping and gift planning on my mind. I have quilting on my mind.


A few of my 2013 creations. Most are One Block Wonders. Maybe one of these days I’ll do a post to explain what that means. =)

In 2013, I learned how to quilt, and threw everything into it, as is my usual habit. The more you get to know me, the more you will probably appreciate that I seldom do anything by half-measures. Anyway, I made more than 10 quilts (yes, I’ve lost track of how many I did) and gifted many of them to family members. Those who didn’t get a quilt last year may have expectations this year, which is unfortunate because in 2014, I threw everything into my Richard Armitage Affliction, instead. I had completed 2 quilts and started 2 more quilts prior to the onset of my Preoccupation in April, and suddenly with Christmas looming, I realized I’d better get cracking!


Why yes, Richard Armitage, I did. Thanks in No Small Part to You.

Unfortunately, Hubby and I made a Colossal Error on one of these quilts-in-progress over the weekend. (He is a whiz with the rotary cutter. When I need cutting, he’s my man. However, with the quilt pattern a distant memory, clouded with Armitage Affliction, I directed poor Hubby to cut a set of triangles, from irreplaceable fabric, the Wrong Fricking Size. Expletive!!!!!!) We ultimately had to then re-vamp the entire design, looking at this as “an opportunity for creativity” rather than a humdinger of idiotic proportions. Hence, the title of this post. My Preoccupation with Armitage is ultimately to blame for the devastating quilting dilemma I now face. (Don’t worry, Richard. I still adore you.)


Richard Armitage and Yael Farber together again? This is a reason to Vacation Plan. Immediately.

I’ve also been moody about The Crucible again. I miss John Proctor and I’m jealous of the cinema-goers. Enough said. However, one bit of exciting news was that Richard Armitage revealed in a Guardian article today that “I’m definitely going to work with Yaël again – I don’t know how soon that’s going to be. But we are planning another production. We want to really expand and explore something we touched on in The Crucible. But I can’t say anything just yet…” So, another collaboration from this Dream Team is in the works! That says a lot about the mutual respect between Farber and Armitage, and is just the ticket to cheer me up! I am thinking of setting up a savings account specifically for this eventuality, and depositing a monthly amount toward it. Naturally, my hope would be that I was saving for a trip to Broadway, but I wouldn’t exactly hate the prospect of London again. Not that those are the only two options, but they seem more likely. I love having advance notice! I simultaneously want it to be as soon as feasibly possible, and distant enough to allow me to save enough that it wouldn’t stretch the finances, or Hubby’s goodwill, too soon. =)

Warner Bros Angling for Another Onion Article?


Illustrated reference showing dwarves included, excluded and questionable to appear at London’s World Premiere of the The Hobbit: The Battle of Five Armies.

“Multi-Billion Dollar Conglomerate Warner Bros Cites ‘Budgetary Shortfall’ In Decision to Ground Six or Seven Dwarves”

LONDON- What began as merely a rumor on social media last week was recently confirmed by numerous news sources. Irrespective of projected profits in the billions of dollars, film giant Warner Bros confirmed that they could not possibly bring all thirteen dwarves to the World Premiere of The Hobbit: The Battle of Five Armies, the much-anticipated final installment of director Peter Jackson’s The Hobbit trilogy in London.

Having previously touted that this World Premiere, to be held in Leicester Square, London, on December 1, 2014, would feature “key players” from all six Lord of the Rings and Hobbit films combined, many fans feel that Warner Bros has offered quite a slap in the face to the six or seven so-called “Kiwi” actors, whose roles comprise a slim majority of the party of dwarves accompanying remarkably handsome displaced Dwarf King, Thorin Oakenshield, on his danger-fueled expedition to reclaim the lost homeland, and treasure, of his hairy people. Oakenshield, played by British actor Richard Armitage, is scheduled to appear at the landmark London event, as are other “European dwarves”. Only the dwarves played by actors hailing from Oz will be excluded, except for probably Fili, Warner Bros assured concerned fans.

This reassurance, however, appears to be a grotesque misjudgment on the part of the film giant.

“It has not escaped my notice that all the hottest dwarves will probably be there,” said Jholland, a Richard Armitage superfan.

“You have Richard Armitage, the hottest dwarf by all possible measures. Graham McTavish, who looks as incredible in a kilt as any man I’ve ever seen. Aidan Turner, definite hottie. James Nesbitt- look at those eyes of his, those dimples! Dean O’Gorman- I doubt he’ll miss the flight… I mean, hubba hubba!” Jholland went on, skipping over only a couple of actors.

As of press time, the question of whether Fili, another remarkably sexy dwarf played by Dean O’Gorman, would be attending the London Premiere of The Battle of Five Armies is still up-in-the-air. Although O’Gorman hails from New Zealand, like the other uninvited actors, many fans predict he will make the cut.

“They’ll send Fili. He’s smokin’ hot for a dwarf. He’ll get to go with the cool kids,” predicted the Armitage blogger.

“I’m offended on behalf of men with beards going grey,” commented Jholland’s Hubby, stroking his own beard, which sports a smattering of grey and white hairs. “Looking at that line-up, it looks like either you have a full-on white beard, or hardly any grey in your beard at all, if you want to make the cut. That, and you’d better not be a ginger dwarf. They obviously don’t cut the mustard, either.”

As online Tolkien fans began grass-roots efforts on Facebook, Twitter and other social media sites, including more than one online petition, Warner Bros scrambled to save face.

“Who? Oh, them. Ah, well… they’ll… ah… they’ll be… they will definitely be a key part of the, the, the, the… ah… The L.A. Premiere! What’s that? You didn’t know there would be an… ah… L.A. Premiere? Well, there will be one now! A very nice L.A. Premiere, with all the Kiwi Dwarves. Of course there will be! They won’t be left out! Nope! Not at all!” babbled one Warner Bros publicist.

Peter Jackson has not weighed in. Some cynical fans have expressed an opinion that the entire kerfuffle may be no more than a publicity stunt designed to stir interest in the film premiere and to distract New Zealanders from their disappointment that the event would not be held in Wellington.

“It certainly gives New Zealanders something to rally behind,” mused Jholland.

Other actors involved in The Hobbit films, postulated to be almost certainly unable to voice their opinions, have also remained silent on the issue. Several weeks ago, Oakenshield actor Richard Armitage exploded his Twitter feed with what many presumed to be Dwarvish Epithets, but it is not known at this time if the mysterious tweets were in any way related to the troubling news of his Kiwi contingent.

* * *


Seriously, it could be an Onion article.

Pretty shabby, Warner Bros. Pretty shabby.