Serial Killer To Serial Filler: Armitage Reassures Fandom

A huge change is in store for fans of Hannibal guest star Richard Armitage, sources say. The actor’s recent electrifying six episode run as serial killer Francis Dolarhyde was critically acclaimed, but many fandom insiders acknowledge the controversiality of the role within the ranks. In a recent poll investigating the fandom’s reaction to Hannibal30% of devoted Armitage respondents claimed they either did not watch at all, or emphatically disliked the show, while another 36% claimed they only watched for Armitage, but would not revisit the show should it ever return for a 4th season.

“I suspect these numbers have been troubling to Armitage,” said one fandom spouse in response to his wife’s confession of unprecedented ambivalence for his latest rumored project, an audiobook rendition of the classic Victorian novel David Copperfield by Charles Dickens. “My guess is Richard’s looking to offer up more wholesome fare for those who were put off by Francis Dolarhyde. To show that not all biters wind up murdering entire families.”  Her husband’s comparison came as a surprise to the Armitage blogger, who evidently forgot key details of the novel since she was compelled to read it in 9th or 10th grade.

“I hear there’s going to be at least one bite. That’s more action than I remembered, to be honest,” said the blogger with an unmistakable sigh. When asked what she did remember about the novel that Armitage is rumored to be recording for Audible, a long silence ensued. “Um…. I…. ah…. well, mostly fatigue.” According to a review of Armitage blog commentary, she is not alone in experiencing a state of torpor when confronted with Dickens’ classic prose. Another blogger wrote, “I like to listen to [Armitage’s] audiobooks (and others, too) as I fall asleep. I think Dickens may do the job faster than most.” A third commentator, while praising other works by Dickens, confessed, “But there were scenes and chapters that really drag. Geez, he can really blabber on.”

Other members of the fandom attempted to rally spirits by asserting that no matter the reading material, simply listening to Richard Armitage’s deep, alluring voice was certain to appeal. One comedic fandom member expressed this sentiment vividly in a Twitter response to Audible’s #AskArmitage thread: “For voice work, do you aim for a simmering pot of chocolate fondue, or black velvet?” Indeed, some ladies asserted that they’d happily listen to Armitage recite the phone book, while others chimed in that they’d privately wished to hear Richard’s lovely delivery of cookbook recipes, prescription medication side effects, computer software user manuals, and even on-the-job material safety data sheets. “That voice of his is soooo delectable. Who cares what he chooses? I’d quite joyfully listen to Richard Armitage recite the decimals of pi until infinity!”

Still other members of the fandom defended the choice of Charles Dickens, pointing out that the profusion of characters and subplots afforded by the author’s verbose prose will provide ample opportunity for Armitage to display his narrative prowess. “His [Dickens’] books are populated with characters that have to be SEEN. I believe that makes him an interesting choice since Richard’s such a visual and kinetic performer even when using just his voice as an instrument.” This declaration suggests that Armitage’s narration could have profoundly beneficial ramifications in educational arenas.

When asked to recall the disagreeable memories surrounding her adolescent era “required reading” of Charles Dickens’ Great Expectations, our contact bristled and appeared to be on the brink of becoming combative. Her husband quickly intervened, saying mildly only that “I think my wife’s main recollection of that book was the sound of it hitting the wall when she threw it.” However, the blogger conceded that had she the opportunity to have listened to an Armitage narration of the same infuriatingly dull text as a youth, the outcome might have been different. “Maybe there’s hope for today’s beleaguered freshmen. The idea of Thorin F-ing Oakenshield presenting even a story as painfully long-winded as Great Expectations should diminish the feelings of hopelessness and despondency that I experienced after the first several hundred pages. Right?”

One thing is certain: if the rumors of a Charles Dickens novel are accurate regarding the beloved actor’s impending audiobook narration, the Richard Armitage fandom is certain to have a much-needed change from thriller, to filler. For some, it may be a move from one genre of horror to another, but for most, the portrayal of David Copperfield is sure to make fandom members everywhere sleep easier, come the night.

Another Onion Article?

A Fandom Divided: Oglers Unite as Theatre Purists Decry Images of Bare-Chested Actor

The notoriously drama-filled fandom revolving around The Hobbit star Richard Armitage has found another bone of contention to pick among themselves, sources say. Pursuant to the decision to film the British actor’s recent performance as John Proctor, the tortured protagonist in Yael Farber’s critically acclaimed production of American playwright Arthur Miller’s The Crucible (staged at the Old Vic Theatre in London, 2014), many believed that the fandom, loosely known as The Armitage Army, having united its factions with unparalleled success in its efforts to obtain a DVD or other recording of the vaunted Armitage performance, would continue to present a unified image to the world. However, it would seem that The Armitage Army continues to nurse grievances among themselves that periodically explode across social media.

The latest quarrel amongst the ranks appears to revolve around the mysterious release of several images of a bare-chested John Proctor, seen down on the floor washing himself at the beginning of Act 2. We contacted a spokesperson from Puritan Farmers Cooperative, and showed him the images. “I would have to say, I can not object to these images. Without we wash at the end of a long day, we land in the barn for the night. Does not every goodwife say, ‘Come you not to my bed smelling of manure’?” Our contact found nothing scintillating about the images, although he was quick to add that he does not plow on Sundays.

However, it would seem that many members of the fandom did, in fact, find the images to be stirring. One Armitage blogger was swift to share the controversial images, and likened the experience to a hormonal conflagration. “Yes, those images caused a spontaneous ovarian combustion! I’ve seen one of the images, or something close to it, already, but these camera angles,” she said, pointing with trembling fingers to images showing Armitage’s wide shoulders, muscular back, lean torso, and a tantalizing thigh/buttock side view, “Whew. These angles are simply spectacular!” She went on to postulate that the images might in fact be dangerous to reproductive health. “There is such a syndrome as Spontaneous Ovarian Hyperstimulation, you know.”

As of press time, representatives from the National Institutes of Health could not be contacted to answer whether these images might in fact be useful in the treatment of infertility in women, and the Armitage blogger was hesitant to postulate as to the effectiveness of Richard Armitage’s bare torso for the purposes of improving conception rates for struggling couples. “Whoa, now. I’m a veterinarian. I might be able to answer your questions about fertility in bitches, and I may occasionally refer to Armitage images jokingly as good medicine, but I’m not qualified to offer any sort of treatment plan for other women.”

Medicinal uses aside, many Armitage admirers appeared to seek sensual gratification by viewing the images. “It’s a rough job, but someone has to objectify him,” commented a preeminent Armitage blogger, viewing with satisfaction one of her own edits. The busy image depicts twelve locations on John Proctor’s exposed upper body that the blogger would like to kiss, and prompted many blog commentators to point out other areas that they felt were additionally deserving of collective smooching attentions. This post spawned further debate as to the definition of a widow’s peak amongst the fandom, so we contacted the Hairline Consultation Hotline, whose experts were familiar with Armitage’s work.

“While Thorin Oakenshield does show a prominent widow’s peak, it is our conclusion that his hairline was in fact achieved by use of a very convincing hairpiece. Upon review of images of Richard Armitage as himself and as John Proctor, most hairline pundits agree that he does not sport a widow’s peak. The traditional understanding of a widow’s peak is most certainly a V-shaped point in the center of the forehead. I would place celebrities such as Marilyn Monroe and Leonardo DiCaprio much higher on the widow’s peak spectrum than I would place Richard Armitage.” When asked to discern the V-shaped area of hairline that the blogger wished she could kiss, the hairline expert readily identified the disputed area as a receding temple, and remarked, “Mr. Armitage here is a lovely example of why a receding temple is not always an unattractive feature of a hairline. The sharp, almost dramatic points of his receding temples add interest to an otherwise rather humdrum hairline.”

When the controversial wash basin images were shared on Richard Armitage appreciation pages on Facebook, however, they were met in some cases with derision and incredulity. Taking down the images and citing her reluctance to circulate “beefcake screengrabs” prior to every fandom member first viewing the much-anticipated release of the Digital Theatre download of the Yael Farber/Richard Armitage collaboration, one Facebook administrator pleaded with disgruntled members to show respect for Farber and Armitage. Urging everyone to first watch, and register the pivotal themes and solemn subject matter, the administrator unwittingly stirred the pot in a fandom troubled by fears of internal policing amongst their ranks.

“You do realize that he took his shirt off approximately 101 times during the run of The Crucible, right?” wrote yet a third blogger, incredulous that the images of the “half-nekkid” actor should have been at the center of yet another fandom “dust-up”. Arguing that Richard Armitage not only knows exactly what he’s about, but appreciates occasional raunchy humor, including dick jokes, the blogger opined that Richard Armitage should be allowed to draw his own boundaries. A review of tweets from the actor himself seems to validate the blogger’s assertion. Not only dick jokes, but a flurry of scatological humor was discovered in a review of Armitage’s hashtags, which are widely accepted to have proceeded forth from the actor himself on many occasions, and have resulted in the actor’s followers topping 100,000.

When contacted to ask whether he intended to share scatological humor and dick jokes with his Chinese followers on Weibo, Richard Armitage declined to make any promises, but he did mutter that he didn’t understand how his foreskinned penis had anything to do with any of it. It is surmised that Armitage may have been referring to yet another blog post, whose author chimed in by implicating that the beleaguered anti-ogling faction was in fact akin to Judge Hathorne, the judge who presided over the Salem Witch trials, in their efforts to subdue the fandom’s reaction to the shirtless images of John Proctor. Yael Farber was also contacted for comment, and her representatives categorically denied any knowledge of Armitage’s foreskinned penis, but did confirm that Farber was aware of the actor’s actions while removing his shirt approximately 101 times during The Crucible run, and indicated that this would not hinder her decision to collaborate with Armitage in the future.



Warner Bros Angling for Another Onion Article?


Illustrated reference showing dwarves included, excluded and questionable to appear at London’s World Premiere of the The Hobbit: The Battle of Five Armies.

“Multi-Billion Dollar Conglomerate Warner Bros Cites ‘Budgetary Shortfall’ In Decision to Ground Six or Seven Dwarves”

LONDON- What began as merely a rumor on social media last week was recently confirmed by numerous news sources. Irrespective of projected profits in the billions of dollars, film giant Warner Bros confirmed that they could not possibly bring all thirteen dwarves to the World Premiere of The Hobbit: The Battle of Five Armies, the much-anticipated final installment of director Peter Jackson’s The Hobbit trilogy in London.

Having previously touted that this World Premiere, to be held in Leicester Square, London, on December 1, 2014, would feature “key players” from all six Lord of the Rings and Hobbit films combined, many fans feel that Warner Bros has offered quite a slap in the face to the six or seven so-called “Kiwi” actors, whose roles comprise a slim majority of the party of dwarves accompanying remarkably handsome displaced Dwarf King, Thorin Oakenshield, on his danger-fueled expedition to reclaim the lost homeland, and treasure, of his hairy people. Oakenshield, played by British actor Richard Armitage, is scheduled to appear at the landmark London event, as are other “European dwarves”. Only the dwarves played by actors hailing from Oz will be excluded, except for probably Fili, Warner Bros assured concerned fans.

This reassurance, however, appears to be a grotesque misjudgment on the part of the film giant.

“It has not escaped my notice that all the hottest dwarves will probably be there,” said Jholland, a Richard Armitage superfan.

“You have Richard Armitage, the hottest dwarf by all possible measures. Graham McTavish, who looks as incredible in a kilt as any man I’ve ever seen. Aidan Turner, definite hottie. James Nesbitt- look at those eyes of his, those dimples! Dean O’Gorman- I doubt he’ll miss the flight… I mean, hubba hubba!” Jholland went on, skipping over only a couple of actors.

As of press time, the question of whether Fili, another remarkably sexy dwarf played by Dean O’Gorman, would be attending the London Premiere of The Battle of Five Armies is still up-in-the-air. Although O’Gorman hails from New Zealand, like the other uninvited actors, many fans predict he will make the cut.

“They’ll send Fili. He’s smokin’ hot for a dwarf. He’ll get to go with the cool kids,” predicted the Armitage blogger.

“I’m offended on behalf of men with beards going grey,” commented Jholland’s Hubby, stroking his own beard, which sports a smattering of grey and white hairs. “Looking at that line-up, it looks like either you have a full-on white beard, or hardly any grey in your beard at all, if you want to make the cut. That, and you’d better not be a ginger dwarf. They obviously don’t cut the mustard, either.”

As online Tolkien fans began grass-roots efforts on Facebook, Twitter and other social media sites, including more than one online petition, Warner Bros scrambled to save face.

“Who? Oh, them. Ah, well… they’ll… ah… they’ll be… they will definitely be a key part of the, the, the, the… ah… The L.A. Premiere! What’s that? You didn’t know there would be an… ah… L.A. Premiere? Well, there will be one now! A very nice L.A. Premiere, with all the Kiwi Dwarves. Of course there will be! They won’t be left out! Nope! Not at all!” babbled one Warner Bros publicist.

Peter Jackson has not weighed in. Some cynical fans have expressed an opinion that the entire kerfuffle may be no more than a publicity stunt designed to stir interest in the film premiere and to distract New Zealanders from their disappointment that the event would not be held in Wellington.

“It certainly gives New Zealanders something to rally behind,” mused Jholland.

Other actors involved in The Hobbit films, postulated to be almost certainly unable to voice their opinions, have also remained silent on the issue. Several weeks ago, Oakenshield actor Richard Armitage exploded his Twitter feed with what many presumed to be Dwarvish Epithets, but it is not known at this time if the mysterious tweets were in any way related to the troubling news of his Kiwi contingent.

* * *


Seriously, it could be an Onion article.

Pretty shabby, Warner Bros. Pretty shabby.




Limerick: The Twittergate Beard Scandal

On Saturday September 20th, 2014
A few bearded ladies caused quite a scene
The idea was kooky
But was it really spooky?
They tweeted pics some thought were obscene.

Using one hashtag, unaware they’d appall
The ladies tweeted #OneBeardToBringThemAll
Beards of every description
Caused such a conniption
An eruption of venom and gall!

“Disrespectful!” “Unladylike!” “Rude awful spam!”
Was sent to the man who donned his own beard of ham.
“He’ll hate it!” “He’ll leave us!” “Richard is scared!”
Some interpreted a demand that his chin be not haired!
Shame on bearded ladies, they all should be damned!

Mea culpa! I’m guilty! I donned a beard or two…
I took part and found myself right in the stew!
Though my kids were quite tickled
I find myself in a pickle
Having to bid my status as a “lady” adieu.

What I don’t understand, is Richard’s response
How could he treat such effrontery with nonchalance?
He should have ignored it
Or shouted “How horrid!”
That would have served, for the nonce!

Instead, that dreadfully put upon man
Tweeted a cartoon to the well wishers who should have been banned!
#YouKnowWhatImSayin was his remark
And those who were angry were sure it was dark
After all, he’s constantly dissing his fans.

Yes, he’s harsh with admirers, all those letters he wrote
The Stage Door, the autographs, despite the hoarse throat!
He didn’t mean it when he suggested the AA wear beards
Anyone who thinks so must just be weird!
The chance that he enjoys jokes, is all too remote.

No, he was enraged as he retweeted being called a dork
He can’t ever stand beard jokes, nevermind the pork
Not a chance he’d find humor
That’s just a rumor
No, RA was clearly quite torqued.

I think that someone should take down some names
And flag this monstrosity, send them down in flames!
Poor Richard Armitage, besieged all day with tweets
(He hasn’t the common sense to silence notification beeps)
And nobody, ever, should engage in these games.

To think these things funny, when they clearly broke rules
Why, someone must chastise these bearded lady fools!
Luckily for everyone so shamefully caught
Tweeting beard pics to Richard will be rightfully taught
There’s decorum to be followed, that’s why fandoms have schools!

If anyone reading this can’t tell a spoof
Or the satirical tone was not enough proof:
I loved Saturday and I thought it was fun
I assume Richard is NOT on the run
Let me assure you, I’m playing the goof! =)