My Exotic Side Piece… Or, What’s the Turkish word for “Obsession”? #ErkenciKus

Armitage Army Investigator: Jholland, isn’t it? And you are the admin for the “preoccupiedwitharmitage.wordpress.com” fan site, are you not?

Me: Yes, and yes, Ma’am.

AAI: Let’s cut to the chase. Where have you been?

Me: You wouldn’t believe it if I told you. I would never have believed it either.

AAI: Jholland, Castlevania was released a week ago. You were waiting over a year for that. Where have you been?

Me: ….. Oh. Hmmmm? …..

AAI: Castlevania? Armitage?! Where have you been?

Me: Look at this.

 

Can Yaman 2

Ooooof.

AAI: Who is that? Is that where you’ve been?

Me:  Just … those laugh lines, right?

AAI: (*Snorts*) Right… And yet, it seems self-evident this might have… become… (*Clears Throat*) Or I should say, what’s unbelievable?

Me: Well, it’s just a bit quirky. But… who blames me?

AAI: No really, who is that?

Me: He only leads The. Hottest. Thing. Happening…. on Turkish TV!

 

 

AAI: Did you say… Turkish TV? Seriously, who is that?

Me: So please, PLEASE check it out! Erkenci Kus!  By the time you binge it entirely, you might be prepared to wait in agonized suspense for the-

AAI: Jholland! FOCUS! Who is that?

Me: It’s Can Yaman! Can Bey!  Can is pronounced “John/Jean” though! Weird right? I never knew I could go for a man-bun but dayum!  I’m learning a bit of Turkish! I have knowledge of where to find every episode with English subtitles if you need it!

AAI: You’re way ahead of yourself! I just-

Me: And look at this!!

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The production knows what they have in him… shameless ogling opportunities abound…

AAI: …. Can Yaman, you said?

Me: It’s not just about how hot this gorgeous Turkish man is, though! Erkenci Kus is HILARIOUS! I love the lead actress who plays Sanem, Can’s love interest! I do! I love her just as much! It all just makes me happy!

 

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Actress playing Sanem (Demet Ozdemir) has wonderful comedic timing. *coughs*

AAI: But… how did… OK, that is distracting me. I do see what happened.

Me: You DON’T know the half! I have been Giffing EK like crazy. I’m all over the #Canem hashtag! Binged 16 Episodes, and now I’m in the same boat as the other fans… the joy of weekly strong anticipation!!

 

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The feels and the flutters all over again, watching them fall in love!

Me:  Look at these two! Oh! And there is some kind of rumor that the Turkish government will fine productions thousands of dollars for getting too… erotic…

 

 

 

 

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The chemistry is off the charts

Me: Which means it’s all kisses and some flashes of male muscle…. really top-notch flashes, we’re talking! Whew…. but how did I learn of it? It was recommended by a smart, funny  author I enjoy in her fall newsletter…  I’m just glad I was stuck at an appointment, just killing time in a waiting room, clicked that link, and #BOOM #Fandomnumber2 #preoccupiedwithcanem!

 

 

Need some goofy comedy? Erkenci Kus!

Me: Erkenci Kus is refreshingly so silly…but with a healthy dose of self-irony! And I know it’s not going to be everyone’s cup of tea, and I’d sure as hell never have thought that what basically amounts to a Turkish “telenovela” with a fantastic comedic core would so capture my heart… Erkenci Kus translates to “Early Bird”… and it’s such a mood enhancer! I kid you not, I have woken Hubby up while laughing like a loon in bed, completely unable to contain myself! And another time I spewed a drink through my nose…. partly to do with the hilarious subtitles! Let’s just say that they (the devoted fans who create the subtitles) probably over-utilize Google-Translate, with side-splittingly funny results!

Me: Anyway… I just love it! The setting is Istanbul, and that Mediterranean culture just totally reminds me of Greece! And I am learning Turkish hand gestures! I want to share it! You should check it out for sure and then we can talk about it!!!!! They are so in love, but it all goes wrong!

 

 

Me: And it’s impossible, once you’re hooked on #Canem, to imagine them breaking it off…. but ohGods it turns into an emotional rollercoaster!

 

Me: AAI?

AAI: …. MmmmmmHmmmmm….OH!  Ah… what?

Me: But even when it breaks my heart, the same episode will have laugh out loud moments!  It just lightens my mood in a world gone mad….

 

 

AAI: I bet it does! Oh, Jeez. Did you see this fanvid?

Me: Yes. Yes I have. Oh, you have so much delight in front of you! Like this one, which is practically NSFW….  not safe anywhere. But… back to Castlevania. I’ll get to it when EK is over.

AAI: Yeah.

Me: So is that all for now? AAI?

AAI: Hmmmm?

Me: If we’re all done here… I have a thing….

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He so deserved it….

Cloning Rumors Ignite Armitage Fandom Hysteria

Cloning Conversation

Transcript of conversation between Richard Armitage (RA) and Bryan Fuller (BF) from Hannibal S. 3 Commentary, full text available on Richard Armitage Central.

Recently released transcripts of a conversation between British actor Richard Armitage, who guest starred as serial killer Francis Dolarhyde on season 3 of NBC’s Hannibal, and the show’s producer, Bryan Fuller, have once again embroiled the Armitage fandom in controversy. The conversation, while salty at times, with references to “fluffers” and where the sun does or doesn’t shine, became exponentially more controversial when Bryan Fuller revealed his intent to clone the popular actor from a pubic hair retrieved from modesty patches worn by Armitage on-set.

Rather than subduing the pandemonium that was all-but-guaranteed to arise from such a statement, Armitage likened the plan to experimentation in Jurassic Park, and even offered to submit an additional, larger sample of hairs for the cloning experiment by donating bag of hairs he himself had collected during epilation of his legs in preparation for the application of Dolarhyde’s prominent dragon tattoo.

Amongst the fandom, the proposed plan to create clones of Richard Armitage garnered many enthusiastic proponents, and just as many indignant detractors. “Oooh, the more, the merrier, I say!” gushed one fan, gazing at a large collage of Armitage images on her computer screen. “I would request that at least one clone be designated as a full-time audiobook narrator!” added another. “The neat thing is, with several clones at his disposal, Richard can deploy clones to work on all sorts of roles! Roles to meet every individual fandom member’s fantasies. That Clairmont vampire role, maybe James Bond, definitely some brooding period drama heroes… this would basically allow Richard to get so much more done in his career! It would even free him up to work on all those artsy-fartsy independent films he so enjoys but never seems to get released!”

Despite Armitage’s own willingness to clone himself from his leg hairs, many argue that clones of pubic hair origin, as proposed by Fuller, having sprung from an inarguably erogenous zone, would likely make the best lovers. Speculation about the clones’ origins seems to be a popular topic among the fandom, with many fans advocating beard-origin clones, and others campaigning for clones derived from clean-shaven cheeks. Other ladies have asserted that the clones should be acquired from Richard Armitage’s alluring nape curls, and a few quirkier ladies rather enjoy imagining clones sprung from his unruly cowlick. “You know the gold standard has to be when they roll out the rarefied Left Nipple Chest Hair edition!”

One fandom member lamented what she called “an appalling lack of understanding of the basic biological principles of cloning” by Bryan Fuller, Armitage, and the fandom. “It hardly matters which hair or indeed which type of cell is used to isolate the Armitage genome… a clone is a clone is a clone, my friends. There will be nothing more or less enticing in a clone derived from Richard’s nape curls than a clone derived from Richard’s nose hairs! Seriously, what’s far more interesting is the inherent promise of returning to natural nose phenotype! I’m all for the clones if it means we get Richard’s old nose back!”

Predictably, many of those who oppose Fuller’s decision to clone Richard Armitage cited various religious or mystical beliefs. “The time of one’s birth determines the configuration of planets in the birth chart, which in turn affects one’s destiny. If the natural timing of conception and birth is somehow changed or manipulated, as in the case of cloning, the birth chart and therefore the clone’s personality and destiny, must be altered accordingly! It’s imperative that Fuller’s team of geneticists have a thorough astrological consultation before they proceed!” cried one admirer, paging through a large volume of charts and planets.

“Richard is one-of-a-kind and created by God… in fact I daresay he’s one of God’s finest creations! There will never be another Richard Armitage, and it’s nothing less than blasphemy to try to re-create him!” was the fervent cry of another Armitage admirer. Others who agreed that Fuller’s plan to clone the 6’3″ actor was morally wrong reluctantly wondered if the Hannibal producer’s depravity had “rubbed off” on Armitage. “I had long ago agonized that involving himself in an evil show like Hannibal, a show that glorifies murder and aestheticizes cannibalism, would have a damning spiritual influence on Richard. Now this conversation with the show’s producer provides indisputable evidence. Cloning himself! The very concept illustrates the depths to which Richard has fallen!” said another long-time fan, wiping a tear from her eye as she spoke.

Still other fandom members were leery about the outcome of Fuller’s Armitage Clone project, stating that simply creating genetic clones of the beloved actor may not have the desired effect of “the more, the merrier” that so many of his fans are celebrating. “If you’re not already watching Orphan Black, you should be! Yes, Richard Armitage clones would share identical facial features and some general character traits, but who’s to say they’d even wind up in the entertainment industry? It’s impossible to predict how they’ll act or what they’ll do! I don’t see how Bryan Fuller can be so sure that they’d turn out to be lovely gents with a heart for people and a social conscience anything like what we all know and love about Richard! And what if they grow up with anything other than a seductive British accent?”

Other fans were eager to point out more mundane concerns about the proposed Armitage clones. “Doesn’t anyone realize that clones don’t just spring up into fully formed, delicious men with drool-worthy thighs and deep chocolatey voices? As far as I know, there’s not an accelerated growth rate associated with clones, so these clones would have to be born and go through all the normal stages of development. Who really wants to do diaper duty on an Armitage Clone baby? Who wants to put up with the terrible twos? And for heaven’s sake, who really wants to revisit the gawky teen years while waiting for the mature and sexy man that we know his DNA is capable of? Come on, ladies! We all know that Richard Armitage seems to just get better with age… most of us’ll be long gone by the time those clones hit their super-sonic-sexy-stage, won’t we?”

Richard Armitage, his agent, and Bryan Fuller were all unavailable to confirm or deny plans to go forward with Fuller’s cloning agenda. In light of the controversial nature of the project, the cloning of Richard Armitage could be postponed indefinitely, sources believe. Still others postulate the entire conversation may have been nothing more than a publicity stunt designed to give the fans something to talk about as everyone waits for news of a new project, or the release of any number of completed projects, to occur.

One fandom member scratched her head, quietly convinced that news of the cloning project was neither a concrete plan nor a publicity stunt. “Um… I just thought Richard and Bryan Fuller were… like… #onlyjoking.”

Serial Killer To Serial Filler: Armitage Reassures Fandom

A huge change is in store for fans of Hannibal guest star Richard Armitage, sources say. The actor’s recent electrifying six episode run as serial killer Francis Dolarhyde was critically acclaimed, but many fandom insiders acknowledge the controversiality of the role within the ranks. In a recent poll investigating the fandom’s reaction to Hannibal30% of devoted Armitage respondents claimed they either did not watch at all, or emphatically disliked the show, while another 36% claimed they only watched for Armitage, but would not revisit the show should it ever return for a 4th season.

“I suspect these numbers have been troubling to Armitage,” said one fandom spouse in response to his wife’s confession of unprecedented ambivalence for his latest rumored project, an audiobook rendition of the classic Victorian novel David Copperfield by Charles Dickens. “My guess is Richard’s looking to offer up more wholesome fare for those who were put off by Francis Dolarhyde. To show that not all biters wind up murdering entire families.”  Her husband’s comparison came as a surprise to the Armitage blogger, who evidently forgot key details of the novel since she was compelled to read it in 9th or 10th grade.

“I hear there’s going to be at least one bite. That’s more action than I remembered, to be honest,” said the blogger with an unmistakable sigh. When asked what she did remember about the novel that Armitage is rumored to be recording for Audible, a long silence ensued. “Um…. I…. ah…. well, mostly fatigue.” According to a review of Armitage blog commentary, she is not alone in experiencing a state of torpor when confronted with Dickens’ classic prose. Another blogger wrote, “I like to listen to [Armitage’s] audiobooks (and others, too) as I fall asleep. I think Dickens may do the job faster than most.” A third commentator, while praising other works by Dickens, confessed, “But there were scenes and chapters that really drag. Geez, he can really blabber on.”

Other members of the fandom attempted to rally spirits by asserting that no matter the reading material, simply listening to Richard Armitage’s deep, alluring voice was certain to appeal. One comedic fandom member expressed this sentiment vividly in a Twitter response to Audible’s #AskArmitage thread: “For voice work, do you aim for a simmering pot of chocolate fondue, or black velvet?” Indeed, some ladies asserted that they’d happily listen to Armitage recite the phone book, while others chimed in that they’d privately wished to hear Richard’s lovely delivery of cookbook recipes, prescription medication side effects, computer software user manuals, and even on-the-job material safety data sheets. “That voice of his is soooo delectable. Who cares what he chooses? I’d quite joyfully listen to Richard Armitage recite the decimals of pi until infinity!”

Still other members of the fandom defended the choice of Charles Dickens, pointing out that the profusion of characters and subplots afforded by the author’s verbose prose will provide ample opportunity for Armitage to display his narrative prowess. “His [Dickens’] books are populated with characters that have to be SEEN. I believe that makes him an interesting choice since Richard’s such a visual and kinetic performer even when using just his voice as an instrument.” This declaration suggests that Armitage’s narration could have profoundly beneficial ramifications in educational arenas.

When asked to recall the disagreeable memories surrounding her adolescent era “required reading” of Charles Dickens’ Great Expectations, our contact bristled and appeared to be on the brink of becoming combative. Her husband quickly intervened, saying mildly only that “I think my wife’s main recollection of that book was the sound of it hitting the wall when she threw it.” However, the blogger conceded that had she the opportunity to have listened to an Armitage narration of the same infuriatingly dull text as a youth, the outcome might have been different. “Maybe there’s hope for today’s beleaguered freshmen. The idea of Thorin F-ing Oakenshield presenting even a story as painfully long-winded as Great Expectations should diminish the feelings of hopelessness and despondency that I experienced after the first several hundred pages. Right?”

One thing is certain: if the rumors of a Charles Dickens novel are accurate regarding the beloved actor’s impending audiobook narration, the Richard Armitage fandom is certain to have a much-needed change from thriller, to filler. For some, it may be a move from one genre of horror to another, but for most, the portrayal of David Copperfield is sure to make fandom members everywhere sleep easier, come the night.

Nipplegate Spoof

Actor’s Left Nipple Breaks Records, Spawns Debate

Actor Richard Armitage found portions of his bared torso at the center of yet another fandom controversy this week with the much-anticipated release of the Digital Theatre production of his critically acclaimed performance as John Proctor in Arthur Miller’s The Crucible, which was staged at The Old Vic in London’s West End and captured live on film in September 2014. The actor’s decision to remove his shirt to sold-out audiences throughout the run of The Crucible during the period referred to as “The Summer of Love”, recently came under fire when screencaps of a controversial scene in the opening of Act 2 went viral and caused an ogling epidemic in the fandom.  At the center of the latest debate, through ripped and thread-worn prison garb, peeks Richard Armitage’s Left Nipple.

With the release of the production in its entirety, many more GIFs and screencaps have emerged, several of which have allegedly interfered with viewers’ abilities to appreciate the somber subject matter as well as the talents and capabilities of Armitage as an actor. One vocal member of the fandom, a self-appointed delegate for SPOOFER (Spokespersons Policing Oglers Or Fans Exploiting Richard), who wished to remain anonymous, expressed disgust and disdain for the appalling “absence of maturity and decency, of understanding what this role, the play entails” and was deeply saddened when one screencap, obtained during the curtain call, drew undesirable attention to Armitage’s left nipple through a large rent in his costume over the pectoral area.

When the relatively small but vocal minority, SPOOFER, attempted to reign in and subdue the members of the fandom who were less than discreet in their appreciation for images of John Proctor’s left nipple, debate erupted in what is now being called the Tumblr Nipplegate Scandal. Many commenters argued that just because some fandom members had the audacity to celebrate the reappearance of the nipple in Act 4, it didn’t necessarily indicate incognizance on the part of the posters for the devastating themes of The Crucible, or the brilliance of Armitage’s portrayal in the leading role. “Proctor is supposed to be sexy, so what is wrong with acknowledging that, and throwing in some irreverent humor along the way? Puhleeze. Are the Puritans alive and well on Tumblr?”

Armitage is not the only celebrity to find himself embroiled in a so-called Nipplegate Scandal. Pop singer Janet Jackson, author of the original  Nipplegate Superbowl XXXVIII Halftime Scandal of 2004, could not be reached for comment. Jackson’s representatives, however, expressed confusion when they were told that the controversy surrounding Richard Armitage’s exposed nipple was directed not at the actor himself, but at certain factions within his fandom who drew attention to the nipple. “Where’s the outrage? When Ms. Jackson’s nipple was inadvertently revealed by a spontaneous wardrobe malfunction, Ms. Jackson herself was hounded and demonized! Where’s the pasty? At least Ms. Jackson’s exposed nipple was covered with a pasty onscreen and during the live performance!” Janet Jackson’s representatives do seem to have made a pertinent distinction between the 2004 and 2015 Nipplegate scandals: it is impossible to attribute Armitage’s visible left nipple to a wardrobe malfunction, when the nipple is reputed to have been exposed approximately 101 times during the run of The Crucible.

One popular Armitage blogger, recently returned from her travels, was home just in time to weigh in on the nipple controversy, and recalls seeing the nipple many a time when she attended The Crucible live performances in London on more than one occasion. The blogger openly admitted to being sidetracked throughout Act 4 when she was seated in close proximity to the nipple. “That rip was so strategically placed… I remember consciously noticing it when I sat somewhere on the right-hand side of row 2 in the main auditorium. Boy, was I distracted. But well, my grateful thanks to the costume designer,” was her comment in response to another blogger’s edit designating the outer curve of Armitage’s pectoral muscle as one of the places deemed desirous to be kissed in a popular series titled “Places I would like to kiss Richard Armitage: Just South of the Nipple Edition.” Others commented, when the image appeared on a variety of social media platforms, that the screencap was impossible to view without the eyes being drawn repeatedly to the nipple.

Perhaps the most outrageous edit of the curtain call screencap depicts SpongeBob SquarePants actively laving Armitage’s left nipple, and caused an enormous uproar on Tumblr. We contacted the cheerful square-shaped sea sponge in hope of understanding his motivation for this unexpected and completely unanticipated appearance on the London stage. SpongeBob optimistically pointed out that it’s clearly clear from Armitage’s genuinely genuine, heartwarmingly heartwarming smile in the image, that both SpongeBob and Armitage had enjoyed the moment. “That moment, there in the finest theatre establishment ever established for theatre, was a moment I’ll never forget because it’s an unforgettable moment! There we were, in the midst of the most enthusiastic standing ovation where an audience ever stood and ovulated enthusiastically!”

SpongeBob’s PR representatives, employees of Nickelodeon, issued a warning that parental discretion was advised for the character’s appearance at The Old Vic, and hastened to apologize for SpongeBob’s use of the word “ovulation” in his statement. “Listen: everyone loves SpongeBob. He’s a loveable guy. We can all agree that SpongeBob SquarePants is a squeaky clean character, and sometimes that works to his disadvantage. In his naivety, we believe SpongeBob’s reference to ‘ovulation’ was intended to convey the concept of ‘applause’ and in no way did SpongeBob intend to imply that any audience members might have ovulated during the curtain call.”

Nickelodeon went on to explain that they believe that the screencap was taken out of context, showing only a brief and repetitive image that may appear to indicate undue attention was paid to the actor’s left nipple. “Furthermore, we would like to emphasize that there was no sexual impropriety on SpongeBob’s part. This unfortunate screencap, when viewed with a jaded eye, might appear to show SpongeBob’s ministrations in an amorous context, but we must reiterate that both Richard Armitage and SpongeBob had their pants on, and SpongeBob was merely performing much-needed ablutions for the actor following an extended incarceration of his character. The harvest and usage of sea sponges to perform cleansing rituals and exfoliation has been documented throughout history, and should have no innately vulgar associations.”

Whether vulgar associations are drawn from viewing Richard Armitage’s left nipple or not, no one can deny that its performance in The Crucible has enjoyed unprecedented success. Digital Theatre reports that the left nipple has been downloaded to over 1100 cities and has resulted in record numbers of sales and record-breaking traffic on their website since the production became available on Tuesday, March 17, 2015. Reports have surfaced of would-be nipple viewers waiting up to 34 hours for their HD files to download, and the usually rapid Digital Theatre support staff has been working overtime to troubleshoot issues preventing the throngs of Armitage Admirers from viewing his nipple’s performance on the London stage.

When contacted to ask whether any priority was given to more serious theatre enthusiasts and Armitage Admirers who appreciate the actor’s talent and recognize his investment of “heart and soul to this piece of art” over those who might only have been interested in drooling over the nipple, Digital Theatre stated: “It is surprisingly difficult to make such distinctions or differentiate between our customers in this fashion. We actually encountered no references to Armitage’s Left Nipple in the queries submitted by consumers. Customers were and are being assisted on a first-come-first-serve basis, and the positive responses, when their technical issues are eventually resolved, have been astonishing.”

Reviews from both the Armitage fandom and critics alike for Yael Farber’s production of The Crucible have been overwhelmingly positive. The piece, which received an unprecedented number of 5 star reviews, has been nominated for two prestigious Olivier Awards: Best Revival, and Best Actor. It is not known whether the controversy will have any impact on the results, but many wonder if it is fair to the other nominees to have to compete against Richard Armitage’s Left Nipple.

Another Onion Article?

A Fandom Divided: Oglers Unite as Theatre Purists Decry Images of Bare-Chested Actor

The notoriously drama-filled fandom revolving around The Hobbit star Richard Armitage has found another bone of contention to pick among themselves, sources say. Pursuant to the decision to film the British actor’s recent performance as John Proctor, the tortured protagonist in Yael Farber’s critically acclaimed production of American playwright Arthur Miller’s The Crucible (staged at the Old Vic Theatre in London, 2014), many believed that the fandom, loosely known as The Armitage Army, having united its factions with unparalleled success in its efforts to obtain a DVD or other recording of the vaunted Armitage performance, would continue to present a unified image to the world. However, it would seem that The Armitage Army continues to nurse grievances among themselves that periodically explode across social media.

The latest quarrel amongst the ranks appears to revolve around the mysterious release of several images of a bare-chested John Proctor, seen down on the floor washing himself at the beginning of Act 2. We contacted a spokesperson from Puritan Farmers Cooperative, and showed him the images. “I would have to say, I can not object to these images. Without we wash at the end of a long day, we land in the barn for the night. Does not every goodwife say, ‘Come you not to my bed smelling of manure’?” Our contact found nothing scintillating about the images, although he was quick to add that he does not plow on Sundays.

However, it would seem that many members of the fandom did, in fact, find the images to be stirring. One Armitage blogger was swift to share the controversial images, and likened the experience to a hormonal conflagration. “Yes, those images caused a spontaneous ovarian combustion! I’ve seen one of the images, or something close to it, already, but these camera angles,” she said, pointing with trembling fingers to images showing Armitage’s wide shoulders, muscular back, lean torso, and a tantalizing thigh/buttock side view, “Whew. These angles are simply spectacular!” She went on to postulate that the images might in fact be dangerous to reproductive health. “There is such a syndrome as Spontaneous Ovarian Hyperstimulation, you know.”

As of press time, representatives from the National Institutes of Health could not be contacted to answer whether these images might in fact be useful in the treatment of infertility in women, and the Armitage blogger was hesitant to postulate as to the effectiveness of Richard Armitage’s bare torso for the purposes of improving conception rates for struggling couples. “Whoa, now. I’m a veterinarian. I might be able to answer your questions about fertility in bitches, and I may occasionally refer to Armitage images jokingly as good medicine, but I’m not qualified to offer any sort of treatment plan for other women.”

Medicinal uses aside, many Armitage admirers appeared to seek sensual gratification by viewing the images. “It’s a rough job, but someone has to objectify him,” commented a preeminent Armitage blogger, viewing with satisfaction one of her own edits. The busy image depicts twelve locations on John Proctor’s exposed upper body that the blogger would like to kiss, and prompted many blog commentators to point out other areas that they felt were additionally deserving of collective smooching attentions. This post spawned further debate as to the definition of a widow’s peak amongst the fandom, so we contacted the Hairline Consultation Hotline, whose experts were familiar with Armitage’s work.

“While Thorin Oakenshield does show a prominent widow’s peak, it is our conclusion that his hairline was in fact achieved by use of a very convincing hairpiece. Upon review of images of Richard Armitage as himself and as John Proctor, most hairline pundits agree that he does not sport a widow’s peak. The traditional understanding of a widow’s peak is most certainly a V-shaped point in the center of the forehead. I would place celebrities such as Marilyn Monroe and Leonardo DiCaprio much higher on the widow’s peak spectrum than I would place Richard Armitage.” When asked to discern the V-shaped area of hairline that the blogger wished she could kiss, the hairline expert readily identified the disputed area as a receding temple, and remarked, “Mr. Armitage here is a lovely example of why a receding temple is not always an unattractive feature of a hairline. The sharp, almost dramatic points of his receding temples add interest to an otherwise rather humdrum hairline.”

When the controversial wash basin images were shared on Richard Armitage appreciation pages on Facebook, however, they were met in some cases with derision and incredulity. Taking down the images and citing her reluctance to circulate “beefcake screengrabs” prior to every fandom member first viewing the much-anticipated release of the Digital Theatre download of the Yael Farber/Richard Armitage collaboration, one Facebook administrator pleaded with disgruntled members to show respect for Farber and Armitage. Urging everyone to first watch, and register the pivotal themes and solemn subject matter, the administrator unwittingly stirred the pot in a fandom troubled by fears of internal policing amongst their ranks.

“You do realize that he took his shirt off approximately 101 times during the run of The Crucible, right?” wrote yet a third blogger, incredulous that the images of the “half-nekkid” actor should have been at the center of yet another fandom “dust-up”. Arguing that Richard Armitage not only knows exactly what he’s about, but appreciates occasional raunchy humor, including dick jokes, the blogger opined that Richard Armitage should be allowed to draw his own boundaries. A review of tweets from the actor himself seems to validate the blogger’s assertion. Not only dick jokes, but a flurry of scatological humor was discovered in a review of Armitage’s hashtags, which are widely accepted to have proceeded forth from the actor himself on many occasions, and have resulted in the actor’s followers topping 100,000.

When contacted to ask whether he intended to share scatological humor and dick jokes with his Chinese followers on Weibo, Richard Armitage declined to make any promises, but he did mutter that he didn’t understand how his foreskinned penis had anything to do with any of it. It is surmised that Armitage may have been referring to yet another blog post, whose author chimed in by implicating that the beleaguered anti-ogling faction was in fact akin to Judge Hathorne, the judge who presided over the Salem Witch trials, in their efforts to subdue the fandom’s reaction to the shirtless images of John Proctor. Yael Farber was also contacted for comment, and her representatives categorically denied any knowledge of Armitage’s foreskinned penis, but did confirm that Farber was aware of the actor’s actions while removing his shirt approximately 101 times during The Crucible run, and indicated that this would not hinder her decision to collaborate with Armitage in the future.

 

 

Warner Bros Angling for Another Onion Article?

Dwarves1

Illustrated reference showing dwarves included, excluded and questionable to appear at London’s World Premiere of the The Hobbit: The Battle of Five Armies.

“Multi-Billion Dollar Conglomerate Warner Bros Cites ‘Budgetary Shortfall’ In Decision to Ground Six or Seven Dwarves”

LONDON- What began as merely a rumor on social media last week was recently confirmed by numerous news sources. Irrespective of projected profits in the billions of dollars, film giant Warner Bros confirmed that they could not possibly bring all thirteen dwarves to the World Premiere of The Hobbit: The Battle of Five Armies, the much-anticipated final installment of director Peter Jackson’s The Hobbit trilogy in London.

Having previously touted that this World Premiere, to be held in Leicester Square, London, on December 1, 2014, would feature “key players” from all six Lord of the Rings and Hobbit films combined, many fans feel that Warner Bros has offered quite a slap in the face to the six or seven so-called “Kiwi” actors, whose roles comprise a slim majority of the party of dwarves accompanying remarkably handsome displaced Dwarf King, Thorin Oakenshield, on his danger-fueled expedition to reclaim the lost homeland, and treasure, of his hairy people. Oakenshield, played by British actor Richard Armitage, is scheduled to appear at the landmark London event, as are other “European dwarves”. Only the dwarves played by actors hailing from Oz will be excluded, except for probably Fili, Warner Bros assured concerned fans.

This reassurance, however, appears to be a grotesque misjudgment on the part of the film giant.

“It has not escaped my notice that all the hottest dwarves will probably be there,” said Jholland, a Richard Armitage superfan.

“You have Richard Armitage, the hottest dwarf by all possible measures. Graham McTavish, who looks as incredible in a kilt as any man I’ve ever seen. Aidan Turner, definite hottie. James Nesbitt- look at those eyes of his, those dimples! Dean O’Gorman- I doubt he’ll miss the flight… I mean, hubba hubba!” Jholland went on, skipping over only a couple of actors.

As of press time, the question of whether Fili, another remarkably sexy dwarf played by Dean O’Gorman, would be attending the London Premiere of The Battle of Five Armies is still up-in-the-air. Although O’Gorman hails from New Zealand, like the other uninvited actors, many fans predict he will make the cut.

“They’ll send Fili. He’s smokin’ hot for a dwarf. He’ll get to go with the cool kids,” predicted the Armitage blogger.

“I’m offended on behalf of men with beards going grey,” commented Jholland’s Hubby, stroking his own beard, which sports a smattering of grey and white hairs. “Looking at that line-up, it looks like either you have a full-on white beard, or hardly any grey in your beard at all, if you want to make the cut. That, and you’d better not be a ginger dwarf. They obviously don’t cut the mustard, either.”

As online Tolkien fans began grass-roots efforts on Facebook, Twitter and other social media sites, including more than one online petition, Warner Bros scrambled to save face.

“Who? Oh, them. Ah, well… they’ll… ah… they’ll be… they will definitely be a key part of the, the, the, the… ah… The L.A. Premiere! What’s that? You didn’t know there would be an… ah… L.A. Premiere? Well, there will be one now! A very nice L.A. Premiere, with all the Kiwi Dwarves. Of course there will be! They won’t be left out! Nope! Not at all!” babbled one Warner Bros publicist.

Peter Jackson has not weighed in. Some cynical fans have expressed an opinion that the entire kerfuffle may be no more than a publicity stunt designed to stir interest in the film premiere and to distract New Zealanders from their disappointment that the event would not be held in Wellington.

“It certainly gives New Zealanders something to rally behind,” mused Jholland.

Other actors involved in The Hobbit films, postulated to be almost certainly unable to voice their opinions, have also remained silent on the issue. Several weeks ago, Oakenshield actor Richard Armitage exploded his Twitter feed with what many presumed to be Dwarvish Epithets, but it is not known at this time if the mysterious tweets were in any way related to the troubling news of his Kiwi contingent.

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Seriously, it could be an Onion article.

Pretty shabby, Warner Bros. Pretty shabby.