That’s right. I’m sure everyone probably saw Richard’s lovely, heartfelt account of his visit to the Syrian Refugee center over the weekend, and if you haven’t made time to read it, you should. Apparently, while I was busy being The Most Horrible person I could be, RA was carrying well-meaning balloons to traumatized children, feeling terrible that he’d never considered that the sound of a balloon popping might be a trigger to them, and making up for it by allowing them to crawl all over his climbable frame, impressing them with his artistically rendered punk-rock hairdos, overcoming his aversion to walls by building them with Legos, and taking up a broom after sharing giggles with a little Cinderella over it.
Sigh. I LOVED this tweet, and it reinforced my admiration of Richard Armitage as a deeply empathetic and generous man, with a heart for people rarely seen in the entertainment industry. It also, however, made me feel lower than whale dung, as I’d screen-capped it early in the day but hadn’t read it until after midnight, after we’d all retired. That’s right- I was too busy being the most horrible person I could be, and celebrating my win, to read the tweet when it first came across my radar.
You see, this weekend was our second (kinda) annual ladies retreat at work, where our fun-loving but horrible gang of ladies leaves behind our pets, our men, and our children and makes for the “mountains” (which are really hills here in Oklahoma) for some time off to recharge. You might think, from the gallery above, that this was an innocent pastime, set in an idyllic lake cottage… but you’d be wrong.
Our retreat WAS set in an idyllic lake cottage, but… well, there’s the alcohol. And the wiener roast. And the hot tub. And Magic Mike XXL with whoops and catcalls.
Oh, and technically, I suppose we didn’t leave all the children behind. There’s the knocked-up receptionist who swears she “slipped and fell” on, er, something… and ended up pregnant. She didn’t do any of the drinking, but the baby on board didn’t stop her from trading quips about the menfolk, participating in the traditional campfire wiener roast, and it certainly didn’t stop her from competing for the title of “Most Horrible Person”… though that title went to me, and handily.
That’s right. I won Cards Against Humanity, which is the WORST, most politically incorrect, lewd, crude and shocking game for horrible people. Like us.
I won it by a landslide. So ashamed, Richard. Especially after your compassionate, beautiful tweet.
Has anyone else played it? Because while our lovable humanitarian was laying bare his soul, we were chortling away, answering questions like “When your boyfriend asks you to go down on him, it might be fun to surprise him with _________ instead.” With six players, each person has a turn to read a black card, and the other five play a white card out of a hand of 10. The person reading the black card is then the judge, and the best answer wins the point. In this particular example, I was the judge. Here were my choices:
b. Multiple stab wounds.
c. Vigorous “jazz hands”
d. Fiery poops
e. Lance Armstrong’s missing testicle.
I mean, how do you even choose? Great, horrible answers, every one!
And damned if I can remember whether I chose “multiple stab wounds” or “Lance Armstrong’s missing testicle”.
Yep. While Richard was pondering the importance of Empathy, I answered “The best way to quell 1.________ is with plenty of 2._________” by playing “1. the unstoppable tide of Islam” and “2. Queefing”. I’m ashamed to say, I won that round.
So there were 90 questions, and we played them all. Final score? Well, I had 26 and the remaining 64 were divided between the other players, but I was up by 12. I was definitely in a celebratory mood right up until I read Richard’s inspirational account of HIS day, then I began to feel like the horrible person that I clearly am.
My penance? I made a donation to Richard’s cause of a dollar for every horrible question that was answered in a horrible way. It’s not much, but it made me feel a TINY bit better about myself. Thank you, Richard, for being an inspiration to all of us. I can’t say that I wouldn’t turn right around and play Cards Against Humanity again at the earliest opportunity… but I WILL promise to make a donation on behalf of horrible people, every time.