Crotch-Shielding Topics of Conversation



bathtubThe other night, Hubby was supervising our young love in the bathtub when a topic came up that caused Hubby to profess complete ignorance. “Hey Mommy? Can you come in here please? Your son has a question you might be able to answer….” I knew this was going to be interesting right from the start, just from Hubby’s wry tone.

* * *

I entered the bathroom and looked down at the boy in the bathtub, who happened to be carefully palpating his own scrotum. My eyebrows must have flown up, because Hubby started snickering before any words were even spoken.

“Um, Mommy? I was just curious, about… um… did you know, there are two balls inside my boy parts?”

I cleared my throat, but was unable to lower my eyebrows. “Ah, yes. I know.” The young one palpated the two balls a bit more, and I glanced at his father, who was standing outside the bathroom with a wickedly gleeful smile on his face.

“Well, Mommy… did you know, I just wondered what my… two balls… what those look like on the inside. You know, inside my boy parts?

“You do? Well, ah… they are, ah… they’re kind of grey, and they have some blood vessels on them, and… ah… well it’s a squiggly tube on them.” I glanced again at Hubby, and he was cocking his head, too, processing this description. “Right, Daddy?”

Hubby denied any in-depth knowledge of the inner appearance of testicles. The young love, always on the alert for new vocabulary words, immediately piped up. “What are test-icles?” I looked expectantly at Hubby, hoping for Daddy to provide the answer, but Hubby was content to defer to the family anatomy expert.

“Um… that’s the word for those two balls inside your boy parts,” I offered, praying we wouldn’t have to begin naming all the anatomical areas that comprise the aforementioned boy parts. Hoping to avoid just such another question,  I added, “Did you know how I know that testicles are grey and have blood vessels and a squiggly tube? I have seen a lot of testicles when I do a special surgery on dogs and cats!” Surprisingly, the young love didn’t question me further on either the anatomical names of *all* his boy parts, or on the “special surgery” I do on dogs and cats. No, he threw another curve ball.

“Do you have a picture of test-icles?” Father and son looked at me expectantly.

I cleared my throat again, thought it over, then reluctantly admitted that I could probably come up with a picture on the computer, if he was still interested at the end of his bath time, and beat a hasty retreat. Heading out to the computer, I typed “testicle dissection anatomy” into the Google image search (hoping to avoid rampant erections and other images of a pornographic nature), and after what had to be the speediest bath-remainder in the young love’s history, the little guy appeared at my side, eager to see what his two balls really looked like on the inside. I’d reviewed the options and selected one that looked something like the description I’d given, and I observed the young love’s reaction to the image.

covered crotchHe covered his crotch with one hand, and one eye with the other hand! First he blurted out that the testicle looked “Gross! Are you sure? That’s what they really look like, Mommy? Like a… a really scary dead eye?!” Then his gaze moved to some of the background images and he wanted me to click off the selected image so he could peruse those, too. I tried to warn him that if he thought the one I’d picked out was scary, then he definitely wouldn’t like some of the others, many of which demonstrated some very ugly pathology. He summoned his courage, and insisted he wanted to see them, so I clicked off and he took over the mouse, perusing the images, still with one hand protectively over his crotch.

At one point, he clicked on a sagittal section of a dissected testicle, and yelped in shock. “Mommy! Oh my gosh! No, no, no, no, no! Oh! Who would do that? Who would cut them in half like that?!?” I noticed he had both hands covering his crotch at this point, and he was looking at me for answers to this unimaginable horror.

Trying to contain my amusement, I explained that it was actually the testicle of an animal, one that had been removed and cut in half by a doctor or a scientist in order to study the structure and learn how it works. Then I decided it was probably time to wrap this up, and began to worry that he might either have nightmares involving testicular torture, or decide to share his newfound knowledge with his fellow kindergarteners.

“OK, Buddy. I think it’s time for a little Minecraft or something else nice to think about. And, Buddy…. I also hope you will please NOT talk about testicles or what they look like when you’re anywhere except at home. Will you do that? Because testicle-talk is not really appropriate for school. You understand?”

“Of course not, Mommy! Testicles are too embarrassing!”

“OK, well… yeah. I guess so. It is ok to ask questions, but just ask me or Daddy, right?”

“I know. I won’t. But can I see some more of those pictures?”

“Ah… well… I think I’ve had enough testicle pictures. Haven’t you? Hey! Do you know what your heart looks like on the inside?” LOL… we looked at a heart and a brain and finally Hubby returned and took Curious George off to bed.

Huge sigh of relief. =)

* * *

The young love didn’t mention anything about testicles the following day, but I did have a really big laugh when I sat down at the computer after the kids were in bed last night, and saw there was a new word typed into the Google search bar:


Heaven help us.









  1. Helen · March 1, 2015

    LOL! There are times I wish I had kids. Then again… 😉 I do think your hubby dumped you in that. After all he has some too… You’d think he could have done a bit of man-talk 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    • jholland · March 1, 2015

      I know! Lol- Hubby is the one who’s claimed to have eaten calf-fries, no less. And I’m pretty sure he’s just as capable of google image-searching as I am, if he really wanted to helpfully answer the question! =)


  2. linnetmoss · March 1, 2015

    Hilarious and very well written! I particularly love Hubby’s clever little stratagem of leaving things to you, the expert. About man-bits, no less! BTW you have an amazing bathroom 🙂


    • jholland · March 1, 2015

      LOL- yep. He totally enjoyed passing the baton to me! Thanks, about the bathroom. It’s pretty cheerful =)

      Liked by 1 person

  3. KellyDS · March 1, 2015

    Hubby is a coward (mine is too 😉 )


    • jholland · March 1, 2015

      LOL- well, he points out that I often tell the kids to “ask Daddy” when it’s something I don’t want to mess with. Both kids believe Mommy is incapable of helping them download a new game onto their tablets. =)


  4. Servetus · March 1, 2015

    Great story. The challenges of parenting the GT child. (There’s an adjective for that kind of kid in German: “schwerstbegabt,” which translates as “most severely talented.”) Thank you for taking him seriously. I think looking at the brain and heart was a great intellectual move.


    • jholland · March 1, 2015

      Yes, the heart and brain pics were a useful distraction. He was pretty funny to watch. All the pictures, from testicles to hearts to brains, were hard for him to look at, but they fascinated him, too. Lot’s of peeking from between fingers. Just now, I asked him if he remembered what the brain and the heart looked like, and sounds like he remembers… the brain was “like a giant white eyeball without any pupils that looks torn up with cracks on it” and the heart was “like a giant bloodball”… I guess I can conclude that our Google image session made an impression on him. =)
      Hmmm… we’re one of those weird families that does elaborate nicknaming. Maybe I’ll start calling him “Schwerstbegabt”. I just need to figure out how to pronounce that!

      Liked by 2 people

  5. Servetus · March 1, 2015

    shv air (like English “air”) st b’gah (ah like “aaah”) bt. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Hariclea · March 1, 2015

    oh you are very very clever 🙂 and he will keep you on your toes 😉 Glad you loved on to brains and hearts, he’ll learn soon enough those are so much more important! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • jholland · March 1, 2015

      I certainly hope so! However, the word he typed in the Google search bar seems to indicate where his true interest was… LOL

      Liked by 1 person

      • Hariclea · March 1, 2015

        oh well at least you still have a few years to go until he is reaaaaally interested in the subject 😉

        Liked by 1 person

  7. Pingback: Medical Sketches – Kindergarten-Style | preoccupiedwitharmitage

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