“Multi-Billion Dollar Conglomerate Warner Bros Cites ‘Budgetary Shortfall’ In Decision to Ground Six or Seven Dwarves”
LONDON- What began as merely a rumor on social media last week was recently confirmed by numerous news sources. Irrespective of projected profits in the billions of dollars, film giant Warner Bros confirmed that they could not possibly bring all thirteen dwarves to the World Premiere of The Hobbit: The Battle of Five Armies, the much-anticipated final installment of director Peter Jackson’s The Hobbit trilogy in London.
Having previously touted that this World Premiere, to be held in Leicester Square, London, on December 1, 2014, would feature “key players” from all six Lord of the Rings and Hobbit films combined, many fans feel that Warner Bros has offered quite a slap in the face to the six or seven so-called “Kiwi” actors, whose roles comprise a slim majority of the party of dwarves accompanying remarkably handsome displaced Dwarf King, Thorin Oakenshield, on his danger-fueled expedition to reclaim the lost homeland, and treasure, of his hairy people. Oakenshield, played by British actor Richard Armitage, is scheduled to appear at the landmark London event, as are other “European dwarves”. Only the dwarves played by actors hailing from Oz will be excluded, except for probably Fili, Warner Bros assured concerned fans.
This reassurance, however, appears to be a grotesque misjudgment on the part of the film giant.
“It has not escaped my notice that all the hottest dwarves will probably be there,” said Jholland, a Richard Armitage superfan.
“You have Richard Armitage, the hottest dwarf by all possible measures. Graham McTavish, who looks as incredible in a kilt as any man I’ve ever seen. Aidan Turner, definite hottie. James Nesbitt- look at those eyes of his, those dimples! Dean O’Gorman- I doubt he’ll miss the flight… I mean, hubba hubba!” Jholland went on, skipping over only a couple of actors.
As of press time, the question of whether Fili, another remarkably sexy dwarf played by Dean O’Gorman, would be attending the London Premiere of The Battle of Five Armies is still up-in-the-air. Although O’Gorman hails from New Zealand, like the other uninvited actors, many fans predict he will make the cut.
“They’ll send Fili. He’s smokin’ hot for a dwarf. He’ll get to go with the cool kids,” predicted the Armitage blogger.
“I’m offended on behalf of men with beards going grey,” commented Jholland’s Hubby, stroking his own beard, which sports a smattering of grey and white hairs. “Looking at that line-up, it looks like either you have a full-on white beard, or hardly any grey in your beard at all, if you want to make the cut. That, and you’d better not be a ginger dwarf. They obviously don’t cut the mustard, either.”
As online Tolkien fans began grass-roots efforts on Facebook, Twitter and other social media sites, including more than one online petition, Warner Bros scrambled to save face.
“Who? Oh, them. Ah, well… they’ll… ah… they’ll be… they will definitely be a key part of the, the, the, the… ah… The L.A. Premiere! What’s that? You didn’t know there would be an… ah… L.A. Premiere? Well, there will be one
now! A very nice L.A. Premiere, with all the Kiwi Dwarves. Of course there will be! They won’t be left out! Nope! Not at all!” babbled one Warner Bros publicist.
Peter Jackson has not weighed in. Some cynical fans have expressed an opinion that the entire kerfuffle may be no more than a publicity stunt designed to stir interest in the film premiere and to distract New Zealanders from their disappointment that the event would not be held in Wellington.
“It certainly gives New Zealanders something to rally behind,” mused Jholland.
Other actors involved in The Hobbit films, postulated to be almost certainly unable to voice their opinions, have also remained silent on the issue. Several weeks ago, Oakenshield actor Richard Armitage exploded his Twitter feed with what many presumed to be Dwarvish Epithets, but it is not known at this time if the mysterious tweets were in any way related to the troubling news of his Kiwi contingent.
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Seriously, it could be an Onion article.
Pretty shabby, Warner Bros. Pretty shabby.